Pericolo! Morte! Mission 12

Pericolo! Morte!
A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction
Mission 12: Night of the Living BONK

The day had been eventful. There had been several grave battles against the Bloo Team, over the possession of an old boot that Pyro had fished out of the river, only to have it stolen by the Bloo Scout. By the end of the day, though, neither side knew where the boot went and both badly needed mending. Dr. Katzenstrand was busy at work stitching cuts shut and extracting bullets from his team. Afterward, some glow-in-the-dark band-aids were distributed to improve morale. But Corky was nowhere to be seen when it was his turn to get a band-aid. The Doktor looked around and asked “Vhere iz dat Spy now?”
“Maybe he died like the BONK he is!” Greg grumbled, “He tried to stab ME and I'm suppose to be on his side!”
“MAGGOT!” Derek yelled in his face, “YOU NEVER TRUST A SPY, NO MATTER THE COLOR! HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING? I'LL BEAT YOU WITH THE RULE BOOK IF I HAVE TO!”
“Hey, the office rules are no beating!!” Greg recoiled, scooting away and backing into Hevy. He screamed and leaped away from him. “S-sorry there, big guy, didn't mean to run into you.”
Hevy stared down at his hands. He had just gotten the wrapper off of his band-aid and was finding a place to put it, but now it was mysteriously gone. He looked up at the scout, then suddenly picked him up by the head. “SCOUT TAKE BAND-AID!”
“I did not!!!”
“Mmfmmf!” Pyro pointed at the teen's back, where the band-aid in question was stuck to his shirt.
“YOU PAY, THEIF!”
The Doktor could only roll his eyes as loud screaming and punching overtook the room. The rest of the team cheered and egged the Hevy on, but the Doktor was still concerned about Corky. “Usually dat Spy can't get enough of me! Vhere did he go?”

Not far away from the battle-site, a swamp sat stagnant. Frogs croaked loudly and bugs buzzed about, with the occasional bird hanging precariously onto strands of tall grass twittering. The sun was beginning to set, and normally nobody would even come close to the area... but the Bloo Spy approached, rubbing his hands together nefariously. “Hmhmhm! Now then, this will be easy! All I must do is call forth the horde and my revenge will be exacted!”
Corky was not far behind, disguised as a blade of grass. “I knew he was up to no good. But what exactly IS he trying to do?”
The Bloo Spy reached into a bag, and pulled out something shocking – a box of instant pancake mix! Corky gasped with the realization of what was about to happen, but couldn't move or he'd be discovered. The Bloo Spy smirked horribly before giving the box a vigorous shake. The sound of the powdery contents – 'foomph foomph' seemed quiet, but then the swamp began to bubble and groan. From the muck, dark shapes rose, making a terrifying noise as they began to stagger out onto dry ground, the mud falling from their bodies. Corky stared in shocked horror, before being able to escape in the ensuing noise. Meanwhile, Bloo Spy began to cackle, “Rise, you horrible freaks! There are pancakes to be had at the Red base! Muahaha!”
Corky ran as fast as his feet could take him, right into the base, forgetting to take his disguise off as he began shouting cries of 'Emergency!', suddenly bursting into the Doktor's office. Panting, he yelped, “There is grave danger coming this way! We have to get out of here!”
“Is 'at a walkin', talkin' strain ay girse? “ Big C hiccupped, looking then at his bottle of booze, “Waw, thes new brain ay whiskey is hardcair. “
“Fool!” Corky tore off his grass-mask, “It is I! And it is of the utmost urgency that we escape!”
“What, pray tell, is so horrible that you've got your daks in a knot? “ Brent murmured, “Being chased by the wild turnip monsters again?”
“We agreed to never speak of that experience again. No, it's incredibly serious! The Horde from the swampland has been awakened!”
“The what?” Everyone else scratched their faces in thought. Corky groaned in exasperation, and suddenly dragged Brent off and up into his nest. The spy then pointed at the hillside. Brent grumbled a moment, before taking out a pair of binoculars and peering at the hill.
“...Oh hell, cobber. you weren't kidding!” Brent shouted down, “Hey, boys, we've got to get out of dodge now!”
“What could possibly be this dangerous?” Greg scoffed, having somehow revived. “Oooh, it's the zombies coming to eat our brains! Very scary... hah!”
“It's worse. Your rellies are coming for a visit.“ Through the binoculars, Brent could see the army of Scouts start down the hillside like a rolling wave. “I'd say we have thirty seconds to get to high ground.”
Everyone stared at each other for a moment, before breaking out into screams and piling up into Brent's nest. The sniper closed the trap door, trying to make elbow room for himself among all the people. “Back up, move over! I need more room to be able to do my yakka!”
“We're aw gonnae die! Thes is th' end! Och woe is me, Ah was hopin' tae gang it in a bar brawl!”
“Enough of that doomsday talk!” Redd climbed onto the tin roof of the sniper nest and began to build a weapon out of various things found in his pockets, which honestly was quite a large amount of material, “This ain't nothing like the great Weasel Wars of '69! Those were bloody days, but now we're prepared!”
The wave of Scouts reached the base, smashing up against the walls, all clawing to get in and shouting 'Bonk! Boink! Pancaaaaakes!' as they began to beat everything they could with their bats. Greg stared down in utter disbelief. “What the hell is this crap?!? Who turned on the cloning machine?!? But... pancakes... delicious... pancakes...”
“NO!” Hevy punted Greg out of the nest, who went flying with a scream and disappeared into the mass of Scouts. In the meantime, Brent went about shooting those that got close to the doors as best and fast as he could, while Redd's new sentry sprayed down a heavy wave of bullets. Hevy wailed, “What do we doooo?!? Where is silly Voice?? Haaalp!”

“...And so you see, it's been quite the learning experience.” GlaDOS wavered gleefully back and forth, suspended from the ceiling, “My current test subject simply does not quit and is easily encouraged by the promise of cake.”
“Hohoho, you were always brilliant.” That Voice hovered around a table set up with tea. “You know, I'm glad you invited me for your Anniversary of Activation Day... I really needed to get away from those buffoons.”
“You sounded agitated on the telephone. It was only natural to invite you to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center for some fun and learning on the Anniversary of Activation Day. I did, however, invite another person to the party.”
“Oh? Whoever could you have invited?”
“Cousin Overwatch, however, her current occupation keeps her very busy and she may not be able to attend. That is alright, although it breaks my heart. In the meantime, would you like to torment my test subject?”
“Oh WOULD I ever!” The Voice drifted away, locating a sleeping, exhausted Chell. “Ahem. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRHFHGHGFF!”
“AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“Wow, she jumps high.”

By now, the Scout Horde had broken down the doors and several windows, flooding into the base and tearing things apart, looking for the promised pancakes. But no matter where they went, or what they tore through, they couldn't find any! They began to grow angry, and could be heard Boinking just below the trap door. Hevy screeched and clung to his Doktor, but the Pyro slipped the end of his flamethrower under the lip of the door and let them have it. The flame roared through, with a lot of screaming heard, but he unfortunately ran out of fuel quickly. “Mmmfmf!”
“I don't know how much longer we can hold out!” Redd had built a staggering tower of Sentries, but it seemed the Horde refused to thin out. “I'm running out of paperclips and they're the most essential part of these here Sentries!”
Brent glanced at Corky briefly, “Well you knew about the danger – Know how to off these guys?”
“I honestly am at a loss.” But he paused a moment, looking back at Hevy, thinking hard. “Hmm... actually, all WE need is a counter-army of Heavies.”
“Me? Oh boy oh boy!” Hevy seemed delighted, “But Hevy is only one Hevy!”
“Ja!” Doktor said, “But ve have zomething that vill zuper-power you!”
“What? Oh, Hevy is so excited!”
Redd passed down his lunch box, packed ever so lovingly by his wife, handing it to the Doktor. In turn, the man undid the latch and held it open at the Hevy. The most holy of lunches was found within, angels almost visible dancing around its meaty glory- A triple stacked, made-with-love SANDVICH. Hevy took it gingerly, before snarfing it violently. He felt filled with the power of the Gods themselves and let out a loud battle cry, before leaping from the nest down into the middle of the horde. His fists began to fly everywhere as he pounded Scout faces in left and right, laughing loudly. The Doktor in the meantime supported him from above with a nice, steady dose of healf. “Very gut! Just keep fighting!”
“BONK!” The Scouts all tried to trip up the Sandvich-fed Hevy but were beaten apart one by one. Eventually the Horde seemed to realize the tides had changed, and they began to flee. Hevy tore off after them.
“STOP RUNNING, COWARDS!”
“Vait a minute! You'll die out there all alone!!” Doktor gasped as he went out of range and continued off behind a building and out of sight. “Oh no! Hevy's... gone!”
“Weel as lang as he takes those freaks wi' heem... god bless, we'll aye min' his heroic end!”
“Hmm... we need to regather supplies, I know that they'll come back.” Corky nodded to the group, “While you still have time, go get as much ammo as you can!”
“I'll hurry back home and get the wifey to make more lunches!” Redd left his sentries and ran downstairs as fast he could to his truck out back, taking off.

“Well that is kind of a bother, isn't it?” Betty pondered over the situation, after Redd had explained the situation. She paced around the kitchen a bit in thought, humming as she did. “Oh, honey, don't we have that huge batch of sugar beets in storage?”
“Several tons, and we can't sell it!” Redd groaned, “Dang things are radioactive. That's what I get for storing the fertilizer in my workshed. I mean the silo still glows at night!”
“Then we've got no problem!” Betty clapped her hands together, “We need to bring the entire lot back to your base!”
“Eh? What's on your mind, buttercup?”
She winked, “I'll explain on the road. Can we use the teleporter?”
“Hell yeah!” They both went outside, as Redd unlocked his workshop's door. Inside were hundreds of machines with farming supplies tucked into the corners... though he had an overwhelming feeling that someone was there. “Hey, private property! Who's in here?”
“Gross error. Foreign body. Wrong patient.” Overwatch spoke flatly.
“Oh not another one of you fools! Here, the stairs down is in that corner over there! Hurry on down and don't touch anything!”
“Corrected.” She slipped down the cellar stairs.
“Dang-nabbin' disembodied...”
“Oh hun, we knew when we bought the property that it was build over that silly scientific facility!” Betty cheerfully patted his back before helping him haul out the teleporter. “Let's just focus on getting those beets back to the base in order to make some...”

“Molasses?” The Doktor pondered when they had returned, wondering why there was now a mountain of sugar beets overtaking the Red base. “You intend to pour molasses on zee Scout infestation?”
“That's right!” Betty smiled helpfully, “Then they'll be stuck!”
“Juicer going up!” Redd smacked a new machine with the back of his wrench repeatedly until it fired up, connected to the on-base silo. Derek then pulled out his trench shovel and began to shovel beets into the machine as fast as he could. “Just don't put anything ELSE in there!”
“As if I would!” Derek kept shoveling, “To accuse ME of being careless enough...!”
“Och mommy, th' scoots cam an' Ah kent Ah was gonnae die an' noo haur Ah am deid! “ Big C wailed loudly, slumped over in one corner of the sniper nest and out of booze, “Aam in heel, coz aw these jerks ur haur an' there's naethin' mair tae bevvy!”
“I'm rapidly being reminded why I never let anyone up here. God, he smells as not-so-bonza as he is loud.” Brent groaned, being poked repeatedly by Pyro. “What? What is it? What do you want?”
“Mmfmfm!” He giggled and kept poking, before pointing at his finger in delight.
“Yes, it's your finger. Big hairy deal. Keep touching me 'n' i'll gut you 'n' wear your skin as a coat.”
“...” He sadly backed away with a sigh.
“I am ztill zo vorried over the Hevy!” Doktor sighed deeply, trying to catch sight of the man. “Plus we've lost our Spy yet again and ve're rapidly losing our zanity!”
“Now now, I'm sure it will be just fine.” Betty patted his shoulder, wearing a pair of heavy duty lab goggles, holding a control box wired to an assembly at the base of the silo. “Just a little more time, and everything will be peachy!”
“Vait... I zee zomething!”
“NEED MORE SANDVICH!” Hevy came running from behind the buildings with Greg hanging onto his shoulder, beating off other scouts that came too close. The team cheered and dropped down a chain, which Hevy grabbed readily. The rest of the team had to pull to get him up into the nest, as the rest of the Scout Horde came running. “DOKTOR, IT WAS TERRIBLE!”
“There there! You are alright now!”
Greg shook like a scared poodle, still hanging onto Hevy, “F-f-f-freakin'... B-b-bonk... Pancakes... THEY'RE MONSTERS!”
“Alright, buttercup! Hit the switch!”
“You got it!” Betty hit the big red button on the remote control, and there was a loud 'kaboom!' sound from the base's silo. At first nothing seemed to happen... before thin trails of a sticky, brown substance began to pour out the top. Soon it began to become thick and rolling, before the lid of the silo was torn off and the wave of hot, sticky molasses suddenly poured down onto the horde. Much screaming occurred as the sweet blob began to engulf the masses, which were torn between running back to the swamp and wanting to eat the sugary concoction. It began to roll around between the buildings as well, reaching all the way to the door of the Bloo base before it settled. The Red team cheered in joy, they had ended the invasion and were saved!
“Brilliance, this woman deserves a medal for her cooking skills!” Derek saluted to her, and was pleased when she saluted back. “At ease, solider! You should be proud!”
“So much molasses!” Hevy peered down in wonder. “What do with all sticky Scouts?”
“Actually... a good question....” Brent scratched the side of his face.
“No, I've got an idea for that too!” Betty smiled, holding up a confectionery box...

DING DONG~
“Someone is at the door. This is a first.” GlaDOS commented in the middle of trying to kill Chell. “Would you kindly stop being unruly and answer the door?”
“Oh naturally.” Chell dropped everything and ran through the back-room system to the front door, prying it open. “Hello? Oh, hey, candy! GlaDOS, it's a cute little Pyro selling candy!”
“Mmmf!” Pyrette, Pyro's daughter, cheerfully held up one of the boxes.
“I have little interest in candy, as it is not moist and delicious. However if you cared to purchase some, I see little reason to stop you, especially when I can steal it later and taunt you with it.”
“Okay, I'll bite.” Chell dug in her pockets to no avail, before sneezing out a plastic-wrapped wad of money and pulling out a few bills. “Here, how many boxes do I get for this?”
“Mmmfmf.” Pyrette handed over four boxes and took the money, before shaking Chell's hand. “Mmm-mmm!”
“Bye bye, thanks for the candy! Wow.” Chell closed the door, which self-locked, but she was too busy opening a box to notice. “OH SWEET, SCOUT BRITTLE. THIS IS MY FAVORITE!”
The Red team wound up making quite a bit of money.